My soul bleeds

I have had many tragedies that have blackened me. They have created cuts that scar and wounds that never actually heal.

I try so hard to look at the positive, to be the best version of me, to do right by others. But I am running out of strength. Eloquence is leaving me and crude thoughts are all I am left with.

I want to be loved. I want to be looked at without expectations. I want to be noticed. I want to be free of tears for even one moment. I want to stop hurting. I want to live. I want to laugh. I want the pain to go away. I want to succeed. I want to prevail. I want to be happy. I want to stop fighting. I want to be normal.

I want someone to see me for me. I want someone to see that I am hurting. I want someone to believe I matter. I want someone to hold me when I’m drowning in a sea of tears. I want someone to appreciate the little things that I do. I want someone to not look at me for my body but for my soul. I want someone to understand that I am not perfect. I want someone to realize that I have a past. I want someone to see me as their future. I want someone to understand what goes on in my head. I want someone to tell me everything is okay. I want someone to mean it. I want someone to understand who I am. I want someone take my pain away. I want someone to comfort me with kisses and protect me from the darkness.

But what I want, I can’t have. I have fought and fought and tried to keep my head up but I can’t do it anymore. I surrender. Do what you want with me world because I concede, you win. My soul will just continue to bleed till it is dry…at this rate it shouldn’t take long.


The Battle Within

Logic and reason are what my brain abides by. My heart however beats to its own drum. And there lies my eternal struggle.

Through years of unfortunate events, I had frozen my heart so no pain radiated within me. Logic and reason have dictated my life and kept me safe. If something scares me, I avoid it; if something makes me is happy, I pursue it.

So what happens when I am scared to pursue something that makes me happy? I should just walk away right? Or should I take the risk? Will it be worth it?

It was worth it…sometimes.

Over the past couple of months the ice has been melting and I feel my heart beating again. It tells me to take those risks. “High risk, high reward” could not be a more accurate axiom. There were moments that I felt on top of the world and then there were times were I thought I wouldn’t survive to see the next day.

So why is it worth it?

Because of the memories. The good memories I look back and smile at; I don’t regret it. I treasure everyone because it is a story for the books. The bad memories fade in time; I eventually grow from them. At the moment, those times are the ones that seem most imperative, yet looking back they are simply fleeting. The ratio of downs is ups is usually skewed to the former, but at least I can say I have had some ups.

To live my best life I have to face my worst and that’s where my brain wants to run and hide. I honestly don’t know how many more despairing moments I can take, and my brain wants to protect me. It doesn’t mind me living a monotonous life as long as I am unscathed.

So which do I want, the risky high reward life or the safe monotonous life?

I want the safe high reward life.

And thus is my eternal struggle. Can anyone relate?

Dear everyone

Dear everyone,

My story is hard to tell. My thoughts race because there is so much to say about what I am going through but it will only make sense if I start from the very beginning.

Growing up I had the most inquisitive mind. I wanted to learn/do everything. I participated in countless activities, excelling in some and terribly failing in others. I had two loving parents who supported all my absolutely ridiculous endeavors because they wanted me to experience everything.

Though I experienced so much good, I unfortunately have dealt with so much tragedy as well. Big or small, a tragedy is always a tragedy and through each one I have changed. I still contemplate whether my changes are for the better, but I am accepting them as they come.

Life is full of laughs, tears, memories, and lessons. Each one has shaped me into what I believe is a stronger person. Every interaction is treasured and every moment of life is cherished. I do believe strength and love conquer all and am determined to spread that to others.

Here’s the thing though:

I’m tired.

I’m here sharing my story because I’m losing my energy and the bad is outweighing the good. I don’t think anyone will listen. The stories that I will tell will be carried into oblivion. So I’m not doing this for attention or awareness. I’m doing this so my story, and maybe stories of those I encounter can be written. Maybe someday someone will hear this voice. If so, you get to take a journey in to the mind of yours truly.

You are your own worst enemy

In school they teach about how to stand up to bullies. How the words they say have literally no meaning whatsoever. But here’s the thing, what your biggest bully is yourself?

I can stand up to other people, but how can I stand up to myself. My mind controls the way I think, what I do, and I’m just supposed to fight it?

“Just change your mindset,” is what people are always telling me. “What’s so wrong in your life right now?”

FIRST OF ALL do you know how hard it is to change a mindset? If you ask people to not go on their phone all day (something COMPLETELY possible), most would slip up. But by all means please expect me to change something intangible that is ingrained my head in the next second.

AND ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT IS GOOD IN MY LIFE. You’re not going to tell a cancer patient, “oh at least you’re not starving to death.” So why are you telling me that other people have it worse? I want to live my life HAPPILY. That’s actually a lot harder done than most would think.

People don’t understand what fighting with yourself feels like. It’s like a disease that will degrade every bone in your body but it won’t kill you. It takes the meaning out of living and allows you just to exist. When you fight with yourself, you always end up hurting a part of you, so you never really win; you just waste energy.

Just because you give cancer patients chemo doesn’t mean they will get better instantly, it may take months or even years. The same goes for this, just talking to someone won’t make you feel better the next day; it takes times.

If it takes a lot of guts to stand up to someone then it takes a hell of a lot of guts to stand up to yourself. For anyone out there who is in a battle with themselves: So did I. I fought every day, and I still struggle at times. I know everyone’s battles are different but the main thing is that you’re fighting. Every battle has to come to an end at one point, just make sure you’re on the winning side. Also, It’s not wrong to ask for help or confide in someone. You are trying to better yourself, and you owe yourself that. Someone out there will listen. I will listen, even if I don’t know you.

And for those who get reached out to: Don’t judge. Don’t criticize. Don’t tell them that it’s all in their head and it’s an easy change. If you were in their position you’d want someone to help you out, not patronize you. Just listen, tell them its going to be okay. Tell them the positive things about themselves. Tell them again if they didn’t hear it the first time.

When little kids cry over and over again, people will always be by their side consoling them. It shouldn’t change just because a person is older. We’re only human. Sometimes we need to be told what we can’t tell ourselves.

Happy Birthday

When a baby is born, they start life with a clean slate with fate etching a faint pathway to follow. These babies are pure. Everything and everyone is the same in their eyes. But as they grow older, prejudice sets in. Their ignorance turns to cognizance -they are aware of everything. They see the hate and deceit; they see the world through the eyes of cynicism.

But one boy’s eyes were shielded from these impurities for a very long time. He was so pure, so blissful and I had the pleasure of meeting him. I had been consumed by the cynicism a long time before, so much that I seemed to infect everyone around me. Everyone but him. I feared for his corruption, but he seemed to be unaffected by me. Not only was he unaffected, he was flushing the impurities out of me. He allowed me to experience the world as I did as a child. He taught me how to trust, how to forgive, and most importantly how to love.

I don’t know if this is true, but I believe his fate crossed paths with mine. Without him being born into this world, I could honestly say there would be one less friend/sister/daughter in this world. Because of his birth day, I will be able to celebrate many more of mine.

So happy birthday to this special someone, you were born a few years later, you gave someone the gift of life. You taught me to live again. You deserve double the blessings, for creating two birthdays; your own and mine.